Life, As We Know It
by VVish
Summary: [AU] After the Kyuubi was sealed inside Naruto's stomach, the Third requested Jiraiya and Tsunade to raise him. Together.
1. the CHILDREN!

**Disclamer:** I don't own Naruto.

"So let me get this straight. You want us…" she gestured at herself and the man sitting next to her. "…to take care of this baby?" She stared at the old man as if he were crazy.

He nodded. "Not just any baby though. _His_ baby."

His baby, she thought. With Jiraiya and I?

"Why don't we just throw him off a cliff right now? The child will have better chances of surviving that way."

That said man who sat next to her was oblivious to their conversation and currently giggling while reading the contents of his 'research' notebook. Tsunade rolled her eyes.

The Third shook his head and stared at the pair disapprovingly. "It's not a question. As the Hokage, I am ordering you two to take care of him."

Silence.

Another giggle.

"JIRAIYA! You could at least pretend to listen when I'm talking!" the old man fumed.

"Huh?" The red and green clad man looked up from his notebook. "Ah…okay. What she means is we'll take the kid." The man poked the woman next to him. "Tsunade, let's grab the kid and go."

She apparently had different ideas. As the man gathered the baby, she glared and gave in. "Pay up, old man."

Sarutobi deposited a large bag of coins in Tsunade's outstretched hands. He stared sadly at it, knowing it would be gone soon now that it was with Tsunade.

She shook the bag and grinned, satisfied with the amount. "Jiraiya. Let's go." she commanded as she walked out the door.

Jiraiya paused at the door, holding the boy with one hand and fumbling his rucksack with the other.

"Here. It's the latest volume," he said as he tossed the book to the old man. He turned and walked out of the room.

Sarutobi could feel a nosebleed coming on as he scanned the cover of Icha Icha Paradise.

* * *

Tsunade and Jiraiya were walking down the road leading away from Konoha, figuring out where they would stay for the time being. 

"We should stay in a hotel," the man put in.

Tsunade's eyes glittered. "With a casino-"

"-And a hot spring."

"Agreed," She answered. "So what's the kid's name?"

"Uzumaki Naruto."

"I see."

Tsunade felt something wrong. Was she missing something?

"HOLY SHIT! Jiraiya, please tell me where the hell is the kid."

"No worries," he soothed. He turned around and showed her.

There was a tiny blond head sticking out of his rucksack.

"YOU STUCK HIM IN YOUR RUCKSACK!" She screamed as she extracted the child from his evil clutches.

"Shut up or you'll wake him," Jiraiya warned her.

Tsunade kicked the man and he went flying 100 meters away.

"Don't worry, Naruto-chan," she cooed to the now-awakened child. "I'll protect you from the stupid pervert."

"HEY! I am not a stupid pervert!" the man scoffed, offended. "I am a SUPER PERVERT!" He said as he made a V sign with his hand.

Naruto giggled at the funny mans antics. 

He turned back and gasped, enraptured by Tsunade. Gurgling and squealing with pleasure he poked the diamond-like…thing on her forehead. And he poked it again. And again. And again.

Jiraiya laughed.

"He's pretty cute, huh?" Jiraiya asked his companion. It was true too. With fuzzy yellow hair and bright blue eyes, he was adorable.

The woman grunted, agreeing with him.

"So you want me to summon Gamabunta so we can arrive faster?" the man asked.

"And we fall off while he hops? No thanks. I can summon a slug for us."

The man snorted. "Yea, and we'll move like what? A mile a day? No thanks."

* * *

They arrived, sooner or later at a hotel. As they got their rooms and dropped their things off, they came up with a plan. They would each take separate shifts taking care of Naruto. Jiraiya would take care of him first, then Tsunade. 

He stripped out of his clothes and wrapped a towel around his waist. He checked to see if it was secure- not that he minded if it wasn't. Oh no, Jiraiya was very proud of his body. He walked over to where Tsunade left Naruto on the bed and hoisted him onto his hip.

"I think we're all set."

Naruto smiled.

* * *

"And so I told her 'There's no way I'm letting you hurt my child' and I took Naruto away from her and here I am." 

The women around him sighed and expressed their sympathies.

"The poor dear."

"What a b- witch!"

Naruto splashed around and wondered where he was. Did he go blind?

Jiraiya sighed theatrically. "I just wonder if I did the right thing. I don't even know how to take care of him!"

"I can…come over tonight…and…assist you," a woman offered suggestively.

Jiraiya grinned. The boy was was useful in his own way, Jiraiya thought.

And that was how Tsunade found them an hour later, naked women draped all over Jiraiya, and Naruto, who was splashing around blindly, all alone in his little corner.

"WHAT THE HELL, JIRAIYA? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING CARE OF NARUTO!"

"I am taking care of him," he responded. Jiraiya shivered in the hot water. Damn, was she scary.

"WHAT IF HE DROWNED! AND NARUTO! THINK ABOUT NARUTO!" Hearing his name, said baby raised his head confusedly to the voice. "THERE. ARE. NAKED. WOMEN. HERE." She put and emphasis on naked.

"I manipulated the water to hold him. And secondly, don't worry about him being scarred for life," Jiraiya replied. He held Naruto up and told her simply, "I blindfolded him."

Tsunade breathed a sigh of relief and grabbed Naruto from Jiraiya's arms.

Casino time.

* * *

**A/N:** This is my first Naruto fic. 

I got the idea from all those Naruto raised by other people fics and I'm kind of fond of the sennins, so i wanted to write this. I was inspired by the weirdness...and the lame stuff I came up with for the other chaps.

I got the "NARUTO! THINK ABOUT NARUTO!" thing from "THE CHILDREN! THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!" thing. lol.The Jiraiya thing in the hot tub came from that...thing...in Ice Age, where that...thing...was in the hot mud with the other...things.

I hope I don't have commitment issues 'cause I actually enjoy writing this fic, so I think maybe I'll keep it going.

reviews appreciated!


	2. ding ding ding

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.  
**  
Warning:** Like _M_ warned me, there won't be a super Naruto. I love reading them but I suck at the names of the moves.  
And this fic only goes up to when he's a genin. We'll see. (If you were expecting a super Naruto kid fic, be disappointed.)  
I never really mentioned an age but pretend that he's like a year old or so, okay? --_Mistress DragonFlame_ mentioned that he was too young to do stuff.

For those of you who read my profile, forget my plan on uploading on Friday(summerschool reasons). I'll do it _whenever_ I can...it won't be as fast as this time though.

Thanks to the reviewers!

p.s. I think that kuso means shit. Read on then.

* * *

Naruto sat on Tsunade's lap, entranced by the spinning reels. He grinned at them. There were so many pictures! And funny sounds, he added. 

He decided that he liked this place.

He was hugging a cup of coins for her. She dug her hand deep- _way_ deep inside the cup and grabbed out a couple of coins.

Naruto frowned at her. They were almost out of coins! With one hand still gripped tightly around the cup, he drew a coin out. It barely fit in his grip. Naruto grinned and stuck it in his diaper. He would save it for later.

He watched as Tsunade did the same old boring routine.

Put coin in the hole.

Pull the stick.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

"Kuso!"

She was very predictable, he thought. Naruto laughed and clapped his hands together, releasing the cup.

Uh oh. It dropped! The coins rolled away in every direction imaginable.

"Kuso!" Tsunade cursed. She slid off the seat and placed Naruto farther in. "Naruto-chan, stay here and watch my seat for me, okay? I'm going to get the coins back."

Naruto nodded solemnly, a plan forming in his head already.

He would play for her! It was perfect! No flaw at all. He already knew how to play this game anyways.

He grabbed the coin out of his diaper and copied Tsunade's previous actions.

Put the coin in the hole.

Pull the stick.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

"Ku…" the boy paused. What was going on? This never happened to her before….

Coins were popping out of a little hole near the bottom of the machine and making clinking noises as it dropped on the floor. He stared at it in awe.

So many coins!

Naruto laughed as hordes of people gathered around him grabbing coins.

He decided to join them. He slid off the chair and sat under the hole and stretched his diaper out.

Naruto smiled. He had a lot of coins now.

He felt the absence of the clinking sounds of the coins as they fell into his diaper.

Why was the old man stealing his coins? He frowned.

The old man froze in his tracks as he felt something behind him. Problem solved.

Tsunade was glaring at the old man so hard that Naruto heard sizzling sounds. She kicked the old man and he went flying through the wall.

Naruto gulped. If she would do that to an old man, what would she do to him?

I know! He slipped off his diaper and presented it to her as a peace offering.

Tsunade stared into the diaper, saw the money in it, and sweat dropped.

"KUSO!" the boy exclaimed proudly.

She sweat dropped again.

* * *

She dragged Jiraiya out of the hot tub and dragged him away by the ear. 

"HEY!" he cried out. "Just because you aren't getting any."

She slapped the back of Jiraiya's head, which made Naruto laugh. He reached out, trying to hit it himself, which made Tsunade laugh.

"Okay, enough with hitting me. What did you pull me out for?" Jiraiya asked.

"I just realized that we needed to get him clothes and diapers."

"And you pulled me out because although I may not look like it, I have great taste in fashion." He grinned at her.

She laughed. "Yeah... You just keep on thinking that."

They strolled into a shop filled with clothes. Tsunade was immediately drawn to the baby blue clothes for toddlers.

When Jiraiya asked her why baby blue, she responded with, "It brings out the color of Naruto-chan's eyes."

"Yeah, so?" Jiraiya snorted. " Black brings out the color of my hair and you don't see me wearing it."

Naruto disagreed with getting blue though. He didn't settle down until he grabbed a ridiculously bright orange outfit off the rack.

"No child of mine," Jiraiya gritted through his teeth. "Is ever going to wear that horrid color."

Tsunade nodded slowly in agreement.

They ended up buying it though, with the baby blue clothes as well.

After getting dinner and the necessary baby supplies they returned to the hotel.

Tsunade stopped outside of her room. "Well, you take care of him tonight," she yawned. "I'm beat."

She passed Naruto into Jiraiya's arms and began walking off.

Naruto, who noticed that she was leaving, began wailing at the top of his lungs.

He returned the child back to Tsunade. The boy stopped crying. "Looks like you'll be the one taking care of him," Jiraiya said as he smirked.

He turned away from them and started heading off in the opposite direction, which only triggered Naruto's wails again.

Jiraiya walked back. "You think he's trying to tell us something?"

Naruto giggled, grabbed Jiraiya's hand and pointed to the door of Tsunade's room.

"Oh, hell no!" Tsunade choked out.

"You don't say…." Jiraiya winked at the pair. "The little devil doesn't even have a wet tear on his face! You little faker." He rubbed his hand through Naruto's hair, making it even messier, if that was even possible.

Naruto giggled.

Jiraiya put his arm around Tsunade's shoulder. "Come on, honey! Let's go celebrate our honeymoon together."

* * *

**  
A/N: **I'm pretty fond of Gaara, so he probably will be in here too…just not that soon though. Haku won't be here though...because if theres a chance in hell that want to make a sequel on the genins, he'll play a...part in there. 

_kd8gun_- Pairings…hmm. I don't think I will have any because this is still before Naruto is a genin so he's still a little boy. That and the fact that every single romance thing that I've tried to write ends up being cliched and sappy. SORRY!

_baka menuke_- Interesting theory. Random, but interesting. lol.

Review please.


	3. genjutsu and training

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I never will. I can't draw for beans. So yeah.**

I know it's been like a week or so since I've updated, but my mom was really sick and the doctor thought she had something. Turns out she doesn't. That, and Harry Potter came out. /fan-girl squeal/

Once upon a time there was a girl in the locker room who was like. "so who is this...Narato (Na-RAH-to)?" Hilarious one, she is.

I loved the reviews! Lol. Read on then.

* * *

_  
Jiraiya sighed and leaned back into his pillow. The woman who had offered to…assist him had actually came._

_What was her name again? Riku? Jiraiya shook his head. No, that wasn't it._

_Not that her name mattered to him. He was a pervert! All that mattered was that she was here, in his arms and currently in a state of undress._

_She moved toward his face and Jiraiya reacted, closing his eyes and puckering his lips._

_Three…. Two… One…._

_She leaned forward and…LICKED HIM ON THE CHEEK?_

_Jiraiya opened his eyes, confused, only to be jerked of his dream by a disappointing mop of yellow hair and a satisfied smirking face were the top two things that he did not want to see right now.  
_  
"What the hell!"_  
_  
"He was curious and wanted to lick off the red tears on your face," she said, grinning cheekily at him. "You know, Jiraiya? You shouldn't wear all that makeup. It'll fool the people into believing that you're actually scary!"

Naruto let out a small chortle, albeit not knowing what they were talking about.

Jiraiya glared at the two and tugged the kid off his chest and placed him back on the bed.

"You know, Tsunade?" he mimicked. "You should really get rid of that genjutsu- it fools people into thinking that you're actually young and pretty."

Ouch. Point one for Jiraiya. He basked in the sunlit glory.

Not for long though. Time froze for Jiraiya could feel himself getting closer and closer to death. Being under Tsunade's killing intent does that to you.

Tsunade kicked him and he flew straight through and out of the window.

She and Naruto laughed as they could hear Jiraiya screaming.

"Don't worry Naruto-chan! Kaa-san can kick Tou-san's a-" Tsunade paused, rethinking her words. "Ahem- butt, anytime, anywhere, any day."

Naruto looked worriedly up at Tsunade. Kaa-san? Tou-san? Who were they?

Shortly after, Tsunade grabbed the keys to the hotel room. "Well, I'm out. Some of us have to work you, know?"

"Hey!" Jiraiya cried out indignantly, flipping out the note-pad from the insides of his robes. "I work too!"

"That's not work." She sweat-dropped. "That's proof that you're a pervert."

Jiraiya was about to correct her but she cut him off.

"Oh, that's right! You are a SUPER PERVERT!" she mimicked. "I have to go. I'm almost late for work."

"Does work imply losing all our money?" he muttered to himself.

"What was that?" Tsunade asked while cracking her knuckles.

"Nothing, dear! Have a great day!"

She smirked. And with that, she was gone.

* * *

Jiraiya sighed, crossing his arms. What would he do with Naruto? He could always ask that lady from before…. Nah, Tsunade would kill him and he wasn't up for dying before Icha Icha Paradise Vol. 16 came out. No, that wouldn't do. 

His train of thoughts were interrupted as Naruto tugged the bottom of his robes.

"What do you want?" he said as he peered down at Naruto.

The boy was patting his stomach while making a pained face. "Ra. Ra. Ra."

"You're hungry, eh? Let's go check what she's got for us."

Naruto giggled as he was scooped up by Jiraiya.

"Hm…. We have some baby carrots and peas."  
Jiraiya got out two plastic bowls and plates and set them on the table. He poured the food in and sat Naruto down on one of the wooden chairs and sat next to him.

He picked up the spoon and ate in an exaggerated way, hoping that Naruto would catch on. It was a lost cause though.

The kid was currently staring in awe at his plate. ORANGE! He picked one of the carrots up and marveled at the color. Looking at Jiraiya, who was still eating in that manner, he laughed.

He tried throwing one of the carrots at the old man, only narrowly missing him.

Jiraiya gained an evil glint in his eyes.

"I see!" he said. "Let us use this opportunity to help you train!"

And with that he began pelting the vegetables at Naruto, who started pelting his own back.

Needless to say, Tsunade wasn't very pleased with Jiraiya when she came back. And neither was the room service.

* * *

A/N: Do you guys think I should up the rating? 

Mistress DragonFlame- lol. I don't have a niece or nephew so I wouldn't know. I have a lot of cousins though. So annoying! Especially the one who's going through a poser faze. Skater girl, emo kid, sci-fi nerd, valley girl - you name it, she was it.

Nge- lol…you know who you are. tys

Do any of you like Bleach? My friend makes fan art and if you're interested you can go to the link in my prof. page. We're planning to cosplay! Woooot!

Lol. Its like 9 a.m., and I'm about to go to Knotts! This chapter was done purely by luck (finished like at 8:45). Well I got to go 'cause my sister is getting tired of waiting for me to get ready.

Review please! Feed the authors and they feed you?


End file.
